These tactics play out in groups, families, workplaces, friend circles. They’re designed to control the social environment around you: who believes what, who supports whom, and whether you have anywhere to turn. If you’ve ever felt like the whole room was against you, this section is about how that gets engineered.
Triangulation occurs when two people in conflict involve a third as a way to ease or shift the tension. The unlucky third person is caught in the middle. Narcissists use it as a deliberate manipulative strategy to create tension, sow seeds of doubt, and maintain control.
Controlling information: through triangulation, narcissists control the flow of information between the people involved, manipulating the narrative and keeping everybody off-balance.
Getting their way: the introduction of a supposed ally allows narcissists to establish that they are in the right. They often position the third person as agreeing with them, making the target the odd man out.
Creating drama: introducing a third party to stir up jealousy, insecurity, and rivalry, using a friend, ex, or family member to provoke envy.
Why your reaction makes sense
The survivor’s sensitivity to social dynamics is not paranoia. It may be pattern recognition formed in systems where belonging was deliberately manipulated.
A social and psychological phenomenon where blame is placed on an individual or group for problems that are not their responsibility. The term derives from the ancient practice where a goat — the “scapegoat” — was symbolically burdened with the sins of the community and driven into the wilderness, carrying away the guilt.
In modern contexts, scapegoating occurs in families (where one member is systematically blamed for family troubles), workplaces (where an employee is singled out for a project’s failure), and politics (where a leader blames a demographic or foreign power for economic or social problems).
Narcissists are very frequently the ones orchestrating the scapegoating in groups. It deflects blame and projects their own shortcomings onto others, allowing them to maintain their self-image and avoid responsibility. In any group led by a narcissist — family, workplace, or “frenemy” circle — somebody is inevitably going to get thrown under the bus when there is tension in the system.
How narcissists use scapegoating
Diversion of blame: diverting their mistakes, shortcomings, or failures onto the scapegoat, insisting it’s not their fault but the scapegoat’s.
Retaining control: creating a narrative in which they are the victim and the scapegoat is the perpetrator. This gives them leverage over onlookers due to their supposed “victim status.”
Impact on the scapegoat
The impact can be very severe and long-lasting:
Loss of self-esteem: constantly being blamed lowers the scapegoat’s perception of their own worth and abilities.
Confusion and self-doubt: the gaslighting that scapegoating entails causes the scapegoat to doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity — resulting in self-objectification and a near-complete loss of subjectivity.
Isolation: when narcissists manipulate everyone around the scapegoat to believe their terrible narrative, who can the scapegoat turn to?
C-PTSD: the persistent negativity directed toward the scapegoat is severely traumatizing, potentially leading to a range of mental health issues including chronic shame and difficulties with emotional regulation.
Why your reaction makes sense
If you were the one always at fault, you didn’t end up believing something was wrong with you because it was true — you believed it because a whole system kept telling you so, often before you were old enough to question it. The role was assigned. It was never an accurate description of who you are.
A common tactic used by narcissists, cutting victims off from their friends, family, and social networks to make them more dependent and less likely to leave.
Why do they do this?
Control: isolated victims are more dependent on the narcissist and less likely to leave. Narcissists desperately need a host for their unwanted parts of themselves.
Creating dependency: more dependent victims strengthen the narcissist’s one-up position in the power dynamic.
Insecurity: narcissists fear others will see through their facade, or that their partner will leave.
Gaslighting: isolating their victims ensures they don’t have others in their lives to validate their own point of view, which would stand in opposition to the lies of gaslighting.
Maintaining their image: by isolating their victims, they can more effectively control the narrative about who they are.
How narcissists use social isolation:
Discrediting others: making their victims believe that friends and family are bad influences, don’t care about them, or are jealous.
Controlling communication: monitoring or controlling their victim’s communication with people.
Punishment: if the victim does connect with others, punishing them through emotional abuse, silent treatment, or guilt.
Moving frequently: moving victims away from their support networks or keeping them in constant motion.
Why your reaction makes sense
If you look up one day and the friendships are gone, that doesn’t mean you’re someone who pushes people away or was “too much” for them. Isolation this complete is usually built one small discouragement at a time, until leaving feels impossible. Finding your way back to people is allowed to be gradual.
A deliberate assault on someone’s reputation by the dissemination of false, misleading, or harmful information about them. The main goal is to discredit the target in the eyes of others — creating doubt, spreading rumors, or sharing negative information, whether true, partially true, or outright false.
Smears can be as subtle and undetectable as innuendo, hinting at things about the target, or gossiping about embarrassing private information — framed as concern, worry, or sympathy. Narcissists have no qualms about publicizing the skeletons in your closet; they don’t respect others’ privacy. They may bring up your old struggles in a way that makes them appear relevant today.
It may also be flat-out lies. The end result is to poison public opinion against the victim. Narcissists are masters of propaganda, and they need to discredit you in order to devalue or discard you.
Smear campaigns can hurt you badly. Narcissistically abusive spouses have no problem getting orders of protection against their partners with pure lies, which greatly affects child custody issues. Document and protect yourself.
The target experiences smears as gaslighting at scale — coming from all around them. Everybody is accusing them of doing things they didn’t do, or treating them like somebody they are not.
Why narcissists run smear campaigns
Control: narcissists attempt to control how others perceive them and their victims. Smear campaigns manipulate the opinions and feelings of others in their favor.
Diversion: smears are a distraction from the narcissist’s own shortcomings. By creating a commotion around someone else, they avoid scrutiny and keep the public focus off their misbehavior.
Revenge: smear campaigns allow them to hurt people they think have wronged them.
People see through these types quicker than they realize.
Why your reaction makes sense
The frantic urge to defend yourself to everyone, to set the record straight, to make people see — that’s not paranoia or ego. It’s the natural response to being misrepresented to the people whose regard you depend on. You don’t actually have to win that case with everyone; the people who know you tend to know.
Narcissists sometimes psychologically manipulate their children to become estranged from their other parent. Their goal is to undermine and interfere with the child’s relationship with that parent.
Why they do this
Control: narcissists often have a high need for control, and this extends to their relationships with their children. Parental alienation is a way to maintain control over the child and the family dynamics.
Revenge: used as a form of revenge against the other parent. Feeling wronged in some way, they use alienation as a way to “get back” at them.
Insecurity: narcissists are deeply insecure at the core and fear losing their child’s affection to the other parent. By alienating the child, they secure their favored position in the child’s eyes.
Projection: they project their own negative feelings or actions onto the other parent, convincing the child that the other parent is the “bad” one — which unconsciously helps them avoid taking responsibility.
Parental alienation is a form of emotional abuse that can have serious, long-term effects on children. Get professional help if you believe parental alienation is occurring.
If you’re living this right now
Being slowly turned into a stranger to your own child is one of the most disorienting kinds of pain there is, and the temptation to fight fire with fire is enormous. As best you can: keep showing up steadily, document what’s happening, and get knowledgeable support. Children often find their way back to the parent who stayed consistent and didn’t make them choose. This is not yours to carry as proof of your worth as a parent.
The narcissist deliberately avoids recognizing you — ignoring your presence or existence, not speaking to you or acknowledging your communications, excluding you from social activities, and not making eye contact, only indirectly interacting with you.
Shunning is punishment and social control, and it has very significant negative psychological effects. It’s a form of bullying. If you go no contact, the narcissist will probably accuse you of shunning them or giving them the silent treatment. But you’ve probably made a good-faith effort a hundred times over to clear the air, only to be accused just like this. So don’t take it seriously.
Silent Treatment
A form of shunning:
Punishment: for perceived slights or disagreements with their point of view. A way to inflict pain without resorting to physical harm.
Control: victims feel compelled to resolve the issue, giving the narcissist control over the situation.
Avoidance: when the situation requires them to admit fault or engage in a difficult conversation, they may opt for silence.
Validation seeking: when victims apologize or seek approval to end the silence, this is narcissistic supply and feeds the narcissist’s need for constant validation.
Ostracism
The ultimate shunning — expulsion from a social circle, excommunication from a group. Historically and evolutionarily, this has always meant death to humans, and it still feels like death emotionally. Thankfully, you can find another group that will accept you these days — it’s not your tribe or death. However, ostracism can still result in severe loneliness, depression, fear, and low self-esteem.
Power play: by excluding someone from social or professional circles, they reinforce their control and superiority.
Punishment: for those who challenge or criticize the narcissist.
Control of narrative: by ostracizing someone, narcissists can control the narrative about that person, spreading rumors or false information to justify their actions and further alienate them.
Manipulation: fear of ostracism makes people more compliant with the narcissist’s wishes.
Self-protection: narcissists often have a deep-seated fear of rejection. Ostracizing others is a self-protective, pre-emptive first strike.
Why your reaction makes sense
If being ignored leaves you feeling something close to panic, you’re not being dramatic or needy. Being cut off from the group once meant death to humans, and the nervous system still treats it that way. The disproportionate ache you feel is an old survival signal firing — not evidence that you did something to deserve the silence.
A strategy used to isolate and control individuals or groups by making sure they don’t act as a group, making individuals easier to manipulate. Narcissists use this to exert dominance by creating an environment of competition, mistrust, and isolation.
Occurs in families, friendships, and workplaces, where the narcissist stirs up hostility or sows seeds of doubt and division between people. Many siblings get alienated from each other this way.
Division keeps people isolated from potential sources of support, victims don’t see others as resources, they see them as threats. Isolated victims feel alone, which gives the narcissist further manipulation and control capability.
A reference to the Wicked Witch’s minions in The Wizard of Oz. Flying Monkeys act as agents of the narcissist and do their bidding without much reflection. They are often unsuspecting and believe the narcissist’s false narratives, aiding and abetting the manipulation and victimization of the target. However, they may be narcissists themselves with actual malice toward you.
Unwitting participants: often not fully aware they are being used as tools. May believe they are helping or protecting the narcissist from unjust treatment.
Manipulation: narcissists use guilt trips, feigned victimhood, threats, or any number of manipulative tactics to deploy them.
Enforcement of the narcissist’s narrative: if the narcissist is playing the victim, flying monkeys may blame or shun the true victim.
Victim isolation: rallying others against the victim, cutting off possible sources of social support.
Understand: these people are not your allies when navigating narcissistic abuse. They might not have actual malice toward you, but they are under the narcissist’s influence and will parrot their messages.
Survivors have few, if any, obligations to flying monkeys. None, if they have abused you or smeared you.
Why your reaction makes sense
The pain of flying monkeys is not only betrayal. It is the collapse of shared reality, when multiple people join the distortion, it becomes almost impossible to trust your own perception of what happened.
I came to this work through my own recovery from CPTSD, which I continue to navigate. I have training and years of coaching experience in the NeuroAffective Relational Model. That, plus 5 years facilitating a private support group for 500 survivors of narcissistic abuse, is what I bring to the room.
Knowing it was designed to isolate doesn’t make you feel less alone.
Flying monkeys, smear campaigns, triangulation: these tactics work by making you feel unbelievable and abandoned, even to people who once cared about you.
Even after you’ve named them, the social wound they leave doesn’t heal on its own. Recovery from narcissistic abuse can be one of the loneliest experiences there is.
NARM-informed coaching is a space where you don’t have to prove what happened to be believed, or to begin healing.
