A historical and conceptual overview of narcissism, from the Greek myth that gave the concept its name, through the major psychoanalytic theorists who shaped how we understand it today. Understanding this lineage can be validating. The caveat: endless analysis of the narcissist can become another way of staying organized around them. This section is context, not the center of recovery.
Daniel Shaw goes first because, as a NARM-Informed Trauma Recovery Coach specializing in recovery from narcissistic abuse, I believe he is the most practically useful thinker on the subject for survivors.
Shaw introduced the concept of the traumatizing narcissist. He does not focus primarily on what is going on inside the narcissist. Rather, he focuses on the relational aspects of narcissism and the trauma they cause in their targets. He sees narcissists as subjugating their significant others by undermining their subjectivity.
Traumatizing narcissists act as parasites who use others as hosts, onto whom they project their disavowed vulnerabilities and dependency needs. They subjugate their hosts and coerce them to keep carrying their shameful parts, by objectifying the host and insisting that their own point of view is the only valid one.
Fundamentally, narcissists coerce others by undermining their subjectivity, rendering them incapable of being in touch with and validating their own experience.
Shaw has done much work in treating adult children of narcissists and has detailed the severe traumatizing aftereffects of being raised by a narcissistic parent. Recovery, according to Shaw, involves learning how to recognize themselves (and others) as subjects, in intersubjective relationships where both people are in touch with their own needs and perspectives while remaining sensitive to the other’s.
DSM-5-TR Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by the presence of at least 5 of the following 9 criteria:
A grandiose sense of self-importance
A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
A belief that they are special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other high-status people or institutions
A need for excessive admiration
A sense of entitlement
Interpersonally exploitative behavior
A lack of empathy
Envy of others, or a belief that others are envious of them
A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes
You have no obligation to “know” or prove someone meets five of these criteria. What matters is your experience of the relationship.
In Greek mythology, Narcissus was a handsome youth known for his beauty and pride, who disdained those who loved him. On seeing his reflection in a pool of water, he fell in love with it, not realizing it was merely an image. Enraptured, he lost his will to live and stared at his reflection until he died.
Echo, a nymph who deeply loved Narcissus, had been cursed to only repeat what others said. She faded away, heartbroken and rejected, until only her echoing voice remained.
The story of Narcissus gave root to the term “narcissism” and has been used as a cautionary tale about the perils of self-obsession.
Echo represents the codependent in a narcissist-codependent dynamic, unable to express her own feelings and thoughts, suppressing her own needs, unable to leave despite the other’s disinterest.
This ancient myth illustrates the harm that can arise when one person is excessively self-focused while the other neglects themselves.
Freud thought that primary narcissism is a normal developmental stage in which children believe they are the center of the universe and are full of self-love.
Secondary narcissism occurs when a child gets stuck at the phallic stage of development and redirects their libidinal energy back into their own ego, rather than directing it outwards toward others. Secondary narcissism develops in response to a situation where the individual’s ego is threatened or damaged, by traumatic events, significant loss, or intense criticism. The ego defensively withdraws its energy from the outside world and focuses it inwards, leading to a heightened sense of self-importance.
Horney thought that narcissism was not just a fixation at the phallic stage as Freud proposed, but rather a very specific kind of neurosis.
She believed that we create an ideal self as an attempt to deal with anxiety and feelings of worthlessness. However, narcissists inflate their self-image to match the ideal self, which is unrealistic. She believed narcissists have an abnormal need for approval and power, and that they desire to exploit others. Horney also introduced the concept of neurotic pride, a false pride based on an inflated self-image.
An object relations theorist, Klein introduced the concept of the paranoid-schizoid position, a universal developmental stage (3–6 months) where we look at the world in black-and-white, all-good vs. all-bad terms. This is called “splitting.” Narcissism is rooted in this position, as it sees others as either all good or all bad.
Klein also discovered projective identification, narcissists project their undesirable attributes onto other people and cause them to resonate with what is being projected, internalizing it to a certain extent. Klein also explored envy and gratitude, thinking that narcissists might be deeply driven by envy, leading them to be destructive towards others’ happiness or success.
Winnicott’s insight was that we all have a true self (our authentic core and real feelings) and a false self (our persona, our mask). He thought that narcissists are strongly identified with their false self, because they were not allowed to express their true self as children.
Winnicott also introduced the concept of the “good enough” mother, a parenting environment where the child’s true self can safely develop. The absence of a good-enough mother can be a contributing factor in the development of narcissism.
Lowen thought narcissism was the result of insufficient nurturing and validation from parents in early childhood, resulting in a deep-seated fear of abandonment. Narcissists develop a defensive strategy to ward off this constant background fear by constantly seeking and procuring validation.
Lowen thought that narcissists fail to see others as separate entities. He also believed that narcissism tended to manifest physically as a tight, muscular, often physically attractive body.
Kohut thought that some narcissism is necessary in all of us for self-esteem regulation and basic development of the self. He introduced the concept of mirroring, where the parent positively reacts to their child as a mirror. Children need this mirroring as an early narcissistic supply to develop healthily.
Kohut also thought that children need to idealize their parents as powerful and flawless, a “narcissistic supply” in its own right. Narcissists are constantly seeking validation and admiration from others to make up for the missing mirroring and idealization from their childhood. He also coined the term narcissistic rage.
A notable psychoanalyst and psychiatrist, Kernberg proposed a comprehensive object-relations theory of narcissistic personality organization.
Pathological narcissism: narcissism goes beyond normal self-esteem and refers to pathological grandiosity, a defense mechanism against feelings of internal emptiness or worthlessness.
Splitting: a defense mechanism where a person fails to integrate the positive and negative qualities of oneself or others into a cohesive image, seeing things in extremes, either all good or all bad.
Object relations: narcissists have problematic internalized representations of others, they often struggle to perceive others as independent beings with their own thoughts and feelings.
False self: hides true feelings of inferiority or worthlessness; requires constant validation and admiration.
Narcissistic rage: when the grandiose self-image is threatened, narcissists experience intense anger, outbursts of aggression, manipulation, and belittlement all serve to reestablish the false self.
Kernberg also showed how narcissists defensively use idealization and devaluation to protect their inflated self-image.
I came to this work through my own recovery from CPTSD, which I continue to navigate. I have training and years of coaching experience in the NeuroAffective Relational Model. That, plus 5 years facilitating a private support group for 500 survivors of narcissistic abuse, is what I bring to the room.
