How to Reclaim Your Identity After Narcissistic Abuse 

Being in an intimate relationship with, or being the child of a narcissist slowly chips away at your very core. It causes you to feel more and more shameful, worthless, and bad about who you think you are – your self-image or “identity”.

Such a shattered identity after narcissistic abuse is the reality for many.

The sinister nature of narcissistic abuse makes it difficult to recognize, as it stealthily infiltrates your life through manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional or verbal mistreatment. The slow erosion of your identity can leave you feeling adrift, unsure of who you once were or who you can become.

The effects of post narcissistic abuse syndrome can be undone with intention & time. You hold the power to redefine your life and emerge with a strong identity after narcissistic abuse.

Let’s dive in and explore how.

Understanding How Narcissistic Abuse Can Impact Your Identity

Our self-concept is largely shaped by the feedback we receive from others, including verbal communication, body language, and treatment. From childhood, we develop our self-perception based on the reactions and approval from our social environment.

Positive feedback leads to a favorable self-concept, and negative feedback leads to a less positive self-concept.

Some accurate & fair negative feedback is good- it causes us to course correct. It doesn’t feel good at the moment, but that’s OK, we all need it and we can handle an amount that is fair and reasonable.

As we grow, our relationships with family, friends, and colleagues continue to influence our self-concept, ultimately defining how we perceive ourselves.

Enter the narcissistic abuser into your life. 

Worthlessness: The Receiving End of Pathological Projective Identification

Narcissists need a scapegoat to carry the weight of their unconscious inner identity (low self-esteem, shame & worthlessness).

They don’t give their scapegoats accurate feedback about who they are; instead, they give them inaccurate, distorted, unfair, overwhelmingly negative feedback.

Narcissistic abusers engage in a psychological manipulation technique called pathological projective identification. This process involves projecting their own (unconscious) intense shame and hatred of themselves onto their scapegoat and identifying those qualities as residing in their scapegoat.

The narcissist then treats the scapegoat accordingly – as shameful and worthy of hatred and contempt.

• It is worth noting that projective identification also occurs in dysfunctional families that scapegoat a particular member (a child usually), even if neither of the parents is (technically speaking) highly narcissistic.
• Projective identification allows the family system to remain unconscious of shameful family secrets, inadequacies, burdens, pain, shame, etc. – by foisting it on a particular member who is then seen and portrayed as somewhat of an outsider — not really representative of the family.
• This is quite insidious because it is an unconscious process; it is usually (for all practical purposes) impossible to get the projecting family members to own their projections in a meaningful or satisfying way.

As you stay in a relationship on the receiving end of pathological projective identification, you internalize the false representations of yourself and lose your sense of self-worth. For children of narcissists, this runs especially deep.

These are the non-negotiable terms of the relationship – the narcissist projects their unconscious worthlessness onto you, and your job is to introject it and become conscious of your “own” worthlessness. Which was never yours to begin with.

So you can see how your identity after narcissistic abuse becomes distorted in an unrealistic negative way.

The good news here is, a realistic identity correction means you’re much, much better than you’ve been thinking you are.

• You are made in the image of God, like everybody else
  • God don’t make no junk
  • He really, really likes you
• Or if that doesn’t work for you, you are a point of pure pristine consciousness, and the story you’ve been told about yourself is just that, a story
  • A wildly inaccurate story that has nothing to do with you
  • The story has to do with the narcissist’s unconscious shame
  • They may never have seen you at all – for who you actually are

Relationship Ruptures without Repair

Another aspect of narcissistic abuse is the tendency for the abuser to create relationship ruptures without any attempt to repair them.

Because of this, you may feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells and unable to express your true emotions.

When any important person in your life ruptures the relationship between you & them, you experience:

• Self-doubt
• Anxiety
• Lack of ability to trust
• Emotional distress & emotional dysregulation

Essentially, you go from a state of safety & connection to a state of danger.

Relationship ruptures do occur in all relationships. In healthy relationships, when they occur, the offended party’s job is to say: “I’m not OK with (name the behavior)”.

The offender’s job is to say: “I did indeed do that, it was wrong, I’m sorry, I have no excuse, what can I do to make it up to you, what do you need to feel safe, I will work on changing, I hope you can forgive me, but I understand if you cannot.

But in narcissistically abusive relationships, relationship rupture after rupture occurs … usually with zero attempts at repair made by the narcissist.

• Instead, they explain (gaslight) how it was actually your fault and your doing
• Narcissists are notoriously horrible at taking accountability

It’s an ongoing state of danger. All of the dysregulation, self-doubt, and confusion distort your sense of identity.

Losing Your Perspective Through Gaslighting

Gaslighting happens frequently during narcissistic abuse to make you doubt your own perception of reality. By repeatedly denying or twisting the truth, the abuser leaves you questioning your own experiences and thoughts.

This manipulation technique gradually erodes your sense of self and disorients your cognitive framework, making it difficult to trust yourself and your own perspective.

This affects your identity – you think you don’t “get it”.

If you’ve been gaslit, trusting your gut may be unfamiliar, but it is probably going to lead you in the right direction more than you can imagine. If you don’t like something somebody is doing, there’s very likely a good reason for that.

Learned Helplessness & Erosion of Autonomy

Finally, being subjected to narcissistic abuse can lead to a psychological state called learned helplessness. You find yourself feeling powerless to change your situation or escape the abusive relationship.

This internalized sense of helplessness can contribute further to a reduced sense of self and reinforce the toxic dynamics of the relationship.

Indeed, it is fruitless to reason with a narcissistic abuser, and probably safer to just stop trying after a while – what’s the use? You’re just a glutton for punishment if you provoke them.

The problem is that this helpless attitude tends to generalize towards all of life. This is completely normal & understandable & predictable, it happens to all people in narcissistically abusive relationships.

Get yourself in a situation with healthy people and you’d be amazed at what you can make happen.

As you navigate the complex journey of healing from narcissistic abuse, it’s crucial to recognize the impact of learned helplessness on your sense of self.

By identifying these patterns, you can start to regain your self-identity and embark on the path to recovery.

Strategies for Rediscovering and Redefining Your Identity

Understand: It Was Never Your Fault

Your identity after narcissistic abuse is not likely to be what you aspire to be. You most likely internalized & elaborated upon the themes emphasized by the critical voice of the narcissist – your “inner critic” has become way too harsh.

Recognizing that the abuse you experienced was not your fault is a crucial step in the healing process. Abusers often manipulate their victims into believing they are responsible for the abuse.

Recovery means reminding yourself that you deserve to be treated with respect and that the abuse was a result of the abuser’s issues, not yours.

Accepting this will help you regain your sense of self-worth and empower you to move forward.

The fact that your narcissistic abuser was never diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder means nothing. People with these personality disorders avoid therapy and are rarely diagnosed.

Healing from identity loss after narcissistic abuse means that over time, you deeply internalize this objective truth: it was not your fault; you did not deserve it.

Get Distance From Your Abuser

The next step in narcissistic abuse recovery, which will bolster your identity, is to distance yourself from your abuser.

This may involve psychological distance – simply not reacting to them / gray rocking them, breaking the trauma bond.

You disengage from the power struggle and just objectively observe their behavior as a scientist might observe a hissing cat: “Observe, don’t absorb” their behavior as Ross Rosenburg puts it.

Or it may mean physically moving away, or severing all contact with them.

Removing yourself from an environment of emotional abuse calms your nervous system down and this has bottom-up beneficial effects on your identity.

Emotional dysregulation will negatively affect your self-concept; getting yourself safe and calm will positively affect your self-concept.

Distance also allows you to focus on your own needs, emotions, and goals without the constant negative influence of your abuser.

Get Validation & Support From Other People

A toxic relationship with a person with narcissistic traits is relational trauma.

Recovery from relational trauma requires relational healing. Sharing your story with supportive others can provide emotional support and give you the strength to reclaim your identity.

As scary as it is for relational trauma survivors, you need at least one safe & healthy relationship where you can be validated and restore your mental health after the psychological abuse you’ve suffered.

Support groups, friends, family, or a professional coach or therapist can help validate your experiences and feelings during and after the abuse.  A healthy relationship with a safe, attuned person lays the foundation for trusting yourself, others & the world.

You might think “What good does talking about it do, to a stranger?”  Talking to others who truly understand you and what you’ve been through does a world of good.

Realize it’s OK That You Are Flawed / Fallible / Not Ideal

This is simply true of everybody.

It’s crucial to understand that everyone has flaws and makes mistakes, but these shortcomings don’t define your worth.

Embracing self-compassion and realizing that you are not defined by the abuse you experienced or by your imperfections will help you establish a healthier relationship with yourself.

We all struggle, fail, makes mistake, and feel awful sometimes. Sometimes we even hurt other people; this is part of the human condition.

You had your reasons and extenuating circumstances.

The sooner you forgive yourself, extend compassion to yourself & tell yourself that you matter (as you are right now), the sooner you will heal and grow and be a bigger force for good in this world.

Embrace Your Strengths

Focusing on your strengths and what you excel at can boost your self-esteem and help redefine your identity.

It is very likely that your strengths threatened your narcissistic abuser’s dominance over you. So they may have set about convincing you that those strengths didn’t matter, were bad (or even dangerous), or that you didn’t possess them at all.

They did this so you would stay small and dependent on them, not challenge them, and continue to give them a narcissistic supply. You may have bought into their lies about your strengths. 

You have wonderful strengths that the world needs you to develop & use. You have abilities and the power to use them and make things happen.

You just need to be in a calm state of mind. One where an abuser or the aftereffects of the abuse (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) isn’t driving you crazy in order to function properly.

This may require some healing work.

To start embracing your strengths, do this for real: get a special notebook or journal; put it somewhere handy that you can access easily for a while. As they occur to you over the next few weeks, write down all of your accomplishments, skills, and positive attributes. 

Then, start engaging in things that showcase your strengths, enabling you to build your confidence and sense of self.

Throughout this journey, aim to surround yourself with supportive individuals and prioritize self-care.

Moving Forward with Confidence and Empowerment

After experiencing narcissistic abuse, it’s essential to regain your sense of self and rebuild your confidence. In this section, you’ll learn how to move forward with confidence and empowerment by nurturing your emotions, setting boundaries, and pursuing your desires in life.

Feel Your Feelings

It’s important to acknowledge and process your emotions after narcissistic abuse. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings without judgment.

Take time to identify and express your emotions, whether through journaling, talking to a trusted friend, or seeking professional help from a coach or therapist.

This will help you better understand your experience and allow you to release any negative emotions weighing you down.

Anger may arise as a natural result of being abused. It may be scary because it was never safe to express it to your abuser. The healthiest way to integrate the power of anger into your character is to own the anger as your own and feel it in your body.

Don’t use it to beat yourself up or catastrophize about your future. Don’t rant (too much), don’t go on a rampage punching pillows, etc. – that tends to turn into a positive feedback loop. Don’t get consumed by hatred – that keeps you stuck.

Feel your anger in your body, track it, and contain it. It’s your friend. By feeling it, it will integrate itself into your character and you will become a stronger person. If it gets overwhelming, pendulate between a little anger and something soothing, back and forth.

This will take some dedicated time; try it next time you get angry.

Healthy aggression is using your energy to get your needs met, speak your truth, and become the person you were meant to be. This is possible for you.

Sadness and grief will arise also. It’s OK and necessary to feel these too. Be careful to observe these feelings; don’t become identified with them. Don’t let yourself descend into hopelessness, helplessness, and depression. You can be sad and function also. It won’t last forever; feelings change.

Feelings are their own medicine – if you let yourself feel them and do their job properly. To learn exactly how to let this happen, I recommend Carla McLaren’s work on emotions.

Set Boundaries

One of the critical aspects of rebuilding your confidence and empowerment is learning how to set appropriate boundaries with others.

Establishing boundaries can help protect you from future emotional abuse and create a healthier sense of self.

Start by identifying areas in which you may have previously been lax in establishing boundaries and take action to reinforce them.

For example, you may need to:

• Limit contact with the narcissistic person or cut ties altogether
  • If you feel guilty about this, remember you’re not doing them any long-term favors by enabling their obnoxiousness.
  • We’re all accountable.
• Develop clear expectations for how others should treat you
  • Subtly show your displeasure if somebody disrespects you
    • Don’t smile
    • Walk away
• Learn to say “no” and avoid overcommitting yourself to others
  • Start with small things
  • Don’t overexplain yourself when saying no
    • “No” is a complete sentence
• Practice self-care and prioritize your own well-being

Go For What You Need in Life

Regaining your sense of self after narcissistic abuse also involves rediscovering and pursuing your personal goals, purpose, and desires.

Create a vision for your future, and actively work towards achieving it.

Consider taking up new hobbies or activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Perhaps a career change or new business is in order. You can do it.

To successfully go for what you need in life to have a good life, remember to:

1. Establish short-term and long-term goals that align with your values and interests
2. Break your goals down into manageable steps to help you stay on track
   • Do more of what is working
3. Establish a support system of friends, family, or professionals who can be trusted to provide guidance, encouragement, and feedback as you work towards your goals
   • Go where you’re wanted
4. Embrace a growth mindset and be open to learning and adapting along the way

By following these steps, you can move forward with confidence, empowerment, and a strong sense of identity after narcissistic abuse.

Jim McGee

Trauma Informed Coach

NARM-Informed Professional

I bring a blend of personal experience and professional expertise to my work. Having navigated & continuing to navigate my own journey of recovery from CPTSD, I now serve as a puzzle master & voice of experience for fellow travelers on their own path to healing.

Learn More About Me