Narcissistic Mother and Enabling Father: The Hidden Toll on Children

Fathers’ Potential for Protection: Often Unfulfilled

“

I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection

Sigmund Freud, Civilization and its Discontents, New York: Norton, 1961, p19

If anyone could mitigate the detrimental impact a narcissistic mother has on her children, it would be the father. A narcissistic mother and enabling father paired together is a toxic combination that allows further control and damage to children.

Fathers are generally expected to defend their children. If a father is reasonably healthy and cares, he could theoretically, defend the child and validate their experience.

This would undo the devastating effects of maternal gaslighting – which causes children to doubt their own (accurate) perceptions.

• To navigate the world and make decisions successfully, you have to trust your perceptions
• If a child is consistently told they are wrong (gaslit) when they are accurately perceiving things, they learn to constantly doubt themselves and end up confused & unable to make good decisions
  • These children will likely suffer from Post Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome as adults

Many sons of narcissistic mother‘s enabling father failed them and did not challenge their mother’s gaslighting.

In these cases, the sons have no other option but to gaslight themselves and consequently struggle with debilitating self-doubt and identity disturbances (shame).

• This can be remedied later in life by having a close relationship with somebody who gives you appropriate:
  • Mirroring
  • Validation
  • Normalization
  • Empathy
  • Compassion
  • Support, and encouragement
• This can be a:
  • Therapist
  • Coach
  • Healthy intimate partner

There are cases where the father does indeed compensate for the mother’s emotional unavailability, negligence, and abuse. Children are less impacted in these cases.

The Non-Responsive Bystander Role

In narcissistic families, children often find themselves ensnared in roles defined by the Karpman Drama Triangle—a model consisting of the Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer.

Narcissistic mothers typically occupy the Persecutor role, exerting control and manipulation over family members. Children, particularly those cast as scapegoats, are often relegated to the Victim role, bearing the brunt of the mother’s emotional and psychological abuse.

Within this framework of a narcissistic mother and enabling father, fathers are often non-responsive bystanders—a lesser-known yet crucial role that, while not originally part of the Drama Triangle, serves to maintain the cycle of dysfunction.

These fathers’ passivity and inaction allow the narcissistic mother’s behavior to remain unchallenged, perpetuating a toxic family environment. This lack of intervention leaves children feeling unsupported and invisible, further entrenching the roles within the family system.

Understanding these dynamics is vital for children seeking to make sense of their experiences and begin the journey of healing from the effects of a narcissistic family structure.

The Passive Enabling Father

Fathers in this role may recognize the narcissistic behaviors of the mother but choose not to intervene.

This inaction can stem from various motivations, such as a fear of conflict, uncaringness / apathy, self-absorption, a desire to maintain family stability, or a belief that intervention is futile.

By remaining passive, they support the narcissistic mother’s control and manipulation within the family, failing to provide the necessary protection for their children

Neglect and Betrayal

For children with a narcissistic mother and enabling father, the non-responsive bystander’s inaction feels like a profound betrayal and a reflection on the child’s (lack of) worth.

Nancy McWilliams points out that in therapeutic settings, adult children of abusive parents often express more anger towards the non-responsive bystander than towards the direct abuser. The recognition of this anger may not surface until later stages of coaching/therapy.

The enabling father’s neglect communicates a lack of worthiness for protection, leaving the child feeling invisible and insignificant. In some ways, the abuser’s harmful attention may be perceived as acknowledgment of existence, whereas the bystander’s neglect feels like utter disregard and abandonment

Non-Responsive Bystander: Discovered Through Transference

Transference is a process in therapy where clients project feelings and attitudes from past relationships onto the therapist. Transference was how the non-responsive bystander role was discovered within the Karpman Drama Triangle.

Through transference, it became apparent that clients often harbored intense anger towards non-responsive bystanders—like their enabling fathers. This anger was felt towards therapists, who are sometimes experienced as non-responsive. Often this anger from this facet of projection was greater than towards the abusers themselves.

The anger stems from a deep sense of betrayal and neglect, as the bystander’s inaction communicates a lack of worthiness for protection; a total lack of significance.

For those recovering from narcissistic abuse, it is crucial to find a therapist or coach who deeply understands it. Coaches or therapists who don’t understand narcissistic abuse and family scapegoating – who may minimize it – may find themselves on the receiving end of non-responsive bystander transference, along with justified irritation by the client.

A coach or therapist with expertise in narcissistic family systems can better navigate the transference process, helping clients work through these complex emotions and facilitating more effective healing.

Controlling Mother / Passive Father: Why Most Fathers Enable

Unfortunately, most children (sons in particular) of narcissistic mothers seem to have been decidedly let down by their fathers. Particularly, but not only, the child to whom the mother has assigned the role of scapegoat.

This is because narcissistic mothers typically choose husbands who will enable them to exercise total control over their children.

The narcissistic mother uses her son as a narcissistic object to manage her emotions and self-image. And the father essentially offers her the son as a placating sacrifice to keep her out of his hair.

Karyl McBride describes the father as:

“

… revolving around Mother like a planet around the sun: if the marriage is to survive, the father must take a supporting role.

Karyl McBride (2009) Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (p60)

Types Of Enabling Fathers

The Absent or Missing Father

Either the father is unknown, has left the family, or the parents are divorced.

In case of divorce, the father’s involvement with his children may vary. The divorce may also be the result of a clash between two narcissists, which doesn’t bode well for the children.

The father may be replaced by a stepfather who may fall in any of the three following categories.

The Blind Father

He is unaware of what goes on when he is away. The narcissistic mother manipulates him.

He may suspect something and be abused by the mother himself. This may be repressed into his unconscious. He may be unaware or in denial of the fact that he was abused by a narcissistic parent himself.

The Ostrich Father

He buries his head in the sand and looks the other way when there is abuse.

He may be scared, helpless, uncaring, or simply a coward. He may believe that he can’t do anything and somehow absolve himself. He may even justify some of the abuse to himself.

Like the ‘blind’ father, he represses things into his unconscious. He has most likely been the victim of abuse himself.

The Kapo / Henchman Father

He actively participates in the abuse. Maybe he is a narcissist himself, or a co-dependent controlled by his wife.

Like all narcissists, narcissistic mothers excel at controlling the narrative, smear campaigns, and getting others to do their dirty work.

She may play the victim, convincing the father that the children are horrible and need to be corrected.

She may:

• Reward the father for punishing a child
• Turn the father against a child
• Persuade the father that a child:
  • Is against the father
  • Despises the father
  • Doesn’t respect the father
  • Criticizes the father behind his back
  • Etc.

And so the father will come to resent the child, and he will then endorse the mother’s abuse, enforce her “punishments” (abuse), or commit the abuse himself.

The Father’s Responsibility in Family Dynamics

The father can enable the narcissistic mother’s abuse either passively or actively, or somewhere in the middle.

The unanswered questions are: Is he as guilty or even guiltier than the narcissistic mother? After all, he is less insane, isn’t he? Could he have stopped the abuse?

Had he stood up, what would have happened? Divorce, loss of custody of the children? Could he have demonstrated the mother’s condition to the entourage and the authorities?

Maybe the father could have just ensured that the children felt loved by at least one parent.

The truth may be that the father is not just an enabler. By not being there for his children other than physically, he has abandoned them. His children don’t just have one nurturing parent missing, they have two; they are in fact, orphans.

Christine Lawson writes this about enabling fathers of borderline mothers, which most certainly applies to narcissistic mother and enabling father marriages as well:

“

The father, however, is often torn between loyalty to his wife and loyalty to his children. The borderline wife’s retaliatory rage and sensitivity to abandonment can leave both father and child fearful and torn between the objects of their love.

The borderline’s children often repress their anger at their fathers and are not able to express these terrifying feelings until deep into therapy. Idealization of the father prevents depression and rage from surfacing and protects the child from feeling orphaned.

Lawson, Christine Ann (2000). Understanding the Borderline Mother (p. 302)

IAN’S TAKE

• My Father Was My Mother’s First Victim.

The day after my father died, my mother accidentally broke their breakfast set for two. I immediately thought that now in heaven, he could see everything, and had just seen the truth about my mother.

I didn’t know yet that she was a narcissistic mother, but I surely knew that she had played him quite a bit. I believe that he died not knowing this.

He was a ‘blind’ father who died literally half-blind after developing cancer of the eye, a rare form of skin cancer. I loved him and I remember him when I was little as a loving and fun dad. People loved him. He was very pleasant.

Gradually he lost his joy in living, and he had his grumpy moments. He didn’t see or want to see when my mother started fooling around and abusing him. I’m sure he didn’t know what was going on behind his back.

But he also chose not to see. So, he was an ostrich too.

But I know that, unlike my mother, he had some genuine love for his children. I think that’s what has saved me from totally sinking into hatred and disease.

I feel his love in me. I know that I am lucky.

But maybe I’m still in denial about him. It may be that, as I progress through therapy, I will feel and express anger towards him.

Jim McGee

Trauma Informed Coach

NARM-Informed Professional

I bring a blend of personal experience and professional expertise to my work. Having navigated & continuing to navigate my own journey of recovery from CPTSD, I now serve as a puzzle master & voice of experience for fellow travelers on their own path to healing.

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