Post-Narcissistic Stress Disorder: Heal by Understanding the Linchpin

PTSD From Narcissistic Abuse Unveiled

What if understanding the linchpin of post-narcissistic stress disorder could be your key to liberation and healing?

Definition

Otherwise known as Post-Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, Post-Narcissistic Stress Disorder is the profound mental health aftermath of relational trauma inflicted by traumatizing narcissists.

Their relentless coercive control of the narrative around who they are, who others are, and the way things are, leaves those closest to them unable to see things from their own point of view.

Typically, people who suffer from Post-Narcissistic Stress Disorder have had a narcissistic partner or narcissistic parents.

From a psychodynamic and trauma-informed perspective, Post-Narcissistic Stress Disorder can be understood through the lens of Daniel Shaw’s insights into traumatic narcissism.

Shaw zeros in on the crux of why the aftermath of narcissistic relationships is so painful: the absolute dominance of the traumatizing narcissist’s point of view was maintained at the expense of the survivor’s point of view.

Traumatizing narcissists coercively enforce a relational subjugation where the survivor’s subjectivity is suppressed and shattered. This gradually results in self-objectification and a pervasive sense of shame in survivors. ¹

The Centrality of Subjectivity

Subjectivity is the essence of being human; we are subjects, not objects. We experience life from our own unique point of view, while objects don’t have experiences. 

Being in touch with our subjectivity is the feeling of being a conscious, autonomous entity capable of interpreting and assigning meaning to our experiences.

We validate our own experiences, reference ourselves, and are attuned to our internal landscape – thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations. 

Subjectivity means we know what we think, feel, value, believe, and care about – and what we don’t care about. We are comfortable with our own point of view and express it without fear that it won’t fit into others’ perspectives.

We’re not afraid of what’s inside of us, and we experience agency – we own the internal actions we take and understand how the way we are relating to things is affecting our internal and external lives. When we’re comfortable with our own point of view, and our own experience, we gravitate toward relationships where both of our points of view are honored, and we resist coercion.

Subjectivity and agency provide a stable foundation of intrinsic worth and value, enabling us to navigate life with a sense of personal freedom and authority.

Loss of Subjectivity in Post-Narcissistic Stress Disorder

Losing your subjectivity, via self-doubting and self-shaming, acts as the linchpin in Post-Narcissistic Stress Disorder. This perpetuates the cycle of emotional turmoil and relational difficulties that drive its other symptoms.

This self-alienation develops because, in relationships with narcissists, the survivor’s sense of being a unique and autonomous individual is systematically eroded.

Daniel Shaw describes traumatizing narcissists as coercively enforcing a hegemony of subjectivity, where the narcissist’s perspective is the only perspective, leaving no room for the survivor’s personal views or needs. 

Narcissists have disavowed shame but consciously maintain a delusionally grandiose self-image. They come off as independent, but they need others to prop up their inflated self-image for them, whether it seems appropriate or not to the other. 

They coerce those closest to them into complying with the idea of their flawlessness, and all “badness” and shame is assigned to the other.  To stay in the relationship, survivors must abandon their true perspective. In the end, they conclude that they can’t trust themselves – their opinions, thoughts, instincts, intuitions, feelings, desires, impulses, etc.

Narcissistic abuse is a form of psychological and emotional abuse aimed at undermining the survivor’s sense of reality. The gaslighting and constant belittling that traumatizing narcissists inflict undermines the subjectivity of their survivors – it is dehumanizing.

People with narcissistic personality disorder, or who are high in narcissistic tendencies, see others as objects. Objects either serve a purpose for you or they don’t – their function is to be used, they are either useful or not useful … for your own purposes.

If objects aren’t useful to you, they’re no good. People aren’t useful to narcissists unless they prop up their inflated self-image. If they go against that purpose, they’re “bad”. Being treated in this manner convinces survivors that their worth is solely contingent upon the narcissist’s evaluations and needs. 

Being treated in this manner, with your own experience rarely if ever validated, causes you to become estranged from your own needs and desires, viewing them as shameful, or irrelevant at best.

Survivors internalize (treat themselves as they were treated) the dismissal of their own experience that highly narcissistic people in their lives have dismissed them with.

This is a disconnection from the authentic Self, causing chronic self-doubt and a fractured self-image. Chronic self-shaming keeps survivors disconnected from their (whole and complete) authentic Selves.

Self-Objectification

Survivors typically engage in self-objectification. This is where we view ourselves from the outside in, from the narcissist’s lens. They think of their “selves” as an object or extension of the abuser’s desires.

We grow accustomed to perceiving ourselves as devoid of value beyond the narcissist’s validation, which is scarce and unreliable at best.

Survivors habitually relate to their experiences like this:

• “If I think this / want this / feel this / do this, will I be worthy of approval (or hopefully at least avoid scorn)?”

Instead of relating to their experiences like this:

• “Is this what I really think / what I really want / what I really feel / does this feel right for me to do?”

This chronic Self-abandonment fosters a pervasive sense of existential loneliness, shame, and inadequacy, manifesting as self-doubt, chronic anxiety, and depression. 

In my 5 years of working with survivors of narcissistic abuse, in groups and 1:1 as a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach, I’ve seen over and over that although people ‘know’ (cognitively) they were mistreated, abused, and lied to, they find it very difficult to truly take that in, in a comprehensive way that they don’t doubt.

This struggle largely stems from a loss of subjectivity, where the narcissist’s perspective dominates. Realizing their sense of subjectivity and agency requires validation, time, and working through difficult emotions.

As survivors reconnect with their own narratives and begin to trust their instincts, they regain their agency, ultimately integrating these truths into a healthy sense of self.

Specific Effects of Narcissistic Abuse

The clinical aftermath of narcissistic abuse involves a distressing array of specific mental health symptoms.

Psychological Symptoms of Narcissistic Stress Disorder

Mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) are common. 

Trauma causes hypervigilance. Because of a narcissist’s instability and unpredictability, it becomes normal to experience a pervasive sense of fear and anxiety, constantly walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other to drop.

This pervasive sense of fear and anxiety unfortunately does not simply disappear once you establish boundaries.

Emotional dysregulation predictably follows narcissistic abuse – intense mood swings, anger outbursts, or emotional numbness are common.

Low self-esteem and constant self-doubt result from relentless criticism and belittlement. Staying in an attachment relationship with a narcissist means you must “agree” (on some level) that you are flawed or unworthy. Those are the non-negotiable terms of the relationship.

Depression and a sense of hopelessness and helplessness are common. This is because survivors are doubting themselves, disconnected from their internal resources, isolated, lonely, and simply overwhelmed by the stress of all the abuse and confusion they’ve endured.

Severe trauma can induce beliefs that change or recovery is impossible. ³ Thankfully, it is possible to recover from CPTSD.

Common Specific Psychological Symptoms

• Chronic self-doubt
  • Indecisiveness
  • Self-gaslighting
    • “Am I too sensitive?”
• Toxic guilt & toxic shame
• Pervasive fear
  • Hypervigilance for threat
  • Chronic anxiety
  • Panic attacks
  • Intrusive ruminations
  • Nightmares
• Depression
• Emotional dysregulation
  • Mood swings
  • Anger surges
  • Numbness
• Self-sabotage
  • Self-harm
• Low self-esteem
• Loss of identity/sense of self
  • Inability to know or fulfill your own needs
• Dissociation

Relational Impacts

Trust becomes very difficult, as survivors have been deceived and betrayed by those closest to them. Also, narcissists tend to expertly undermine people’s connections with friends and family, who would otherwise be a source of support. 

Codependency is a common coping mechanism developed in relationships with narcissists. This is where your identity and sense of value come from meeting the needs of others. 

Codependency can persist beyond the abusive relationship, leading to difficulties in forming healthy, interdependent relationships. Survivors might struggle with asking for things for themselves, setting and maintaining boundaries, and fearing rejection or conflict.

Relational trauma is healed in relationships. 

Restoring trust, both in yourself and others, is a gradual process that generally requires a relationship with an exquisitely “safe-enough” other. These others may come in the form of a therapist, coach, support group, or healthy intimate partner or friend.

Common Relational Issues

• Social Isolation
• Difficulty trusting
  • Or being overly compliant
• Difficulty forming or maintaining healthy relationships
• Loss of self-identity
  • Not knowing where you fit in / belong
• Inability to set boundaries
• Trauma bonding / Re-enactments
• Isolation
  • To avoid triggers

Physical Symptoms

Physical symptoms are a consequence of the body’s chronic stress response. Physiological turmoil can be traced to the body’s adaptation to trauma. Our body’s communication network is governed primarily by our nervous and endocrine systems, which ideally regulate our physiological stability.

During narcissistic abuse, our body is mobilized to respond to immediate threat, we are in a heightened state of arousal… the fight-or-flight response. This involves the sympathetic-adrenal-medullary (SAM) system, which releases adrenaline and noradrenaline, preparing our body for physical action. 

When this state of readiness is chronic, and doesn’t get discharged by physical activity, it results in chronic headaches, muscle tension, and digestive disturbances, such as acid reflux and indigestion. This is our body’s attempt to cope with high levels of stress hormones continually pumped into the systems.

Once this sympathetic activation gets to a certain intensity, the phenomenon of dorsovagal collapse can occur. It is essentially a freeze response – playing possum, the stress is too overwhelming and we just shut down.

It acts as a binding force to chronic sympathetic activation, leading to fatigue, disorientation, and a sense of immobilization. Chronic sympathetic activation bound by dorsovagal collapse can severely impact physical health, causing autoimmune syndromes, chronic fatigue, and other stress-related disorders.

True healing addresses the physiological and psychological dimensions of trauma. Approaches like NARM help survivors discharge the pent-up survival energies trapped within, and complete arrested emotions. This leads to a return to physiological balance (homeostasis) and physical well-being.

Common Specific Physical Symptoms

• Sleep disruptions
  • Insomnia
  • Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder
• Headaches
• Muscle tension
• Digestive problems
• Disordered eating
• Physical aches

Narcissistic Abuse and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder arises from a single, potentially life-threatening, overwhelming incident.

• PTSD symptom categories center around the theme of fear & incomplete survival responses

Complex PTSD (CPTSD) is a result of prolonged relational trauma, such as sustained emotional and psychological abuse in narcissistic relationships.

 The diagnosis of Complex PTSD includes all of the criteria of post-traumatic stress disorder but also includes

• Symptom categories centered around shame regarding one’s sense of self.

Source: traumadissociation.com/complexptsd

• CPTSD is not currently recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR)
  • Therefore, you can’t be diagnosed with it or get reimbursed for it in the United States. 
• CPTSD is a diagnosis in the ICD-11 (6B41) according to the World Health Organization
  • The ICD is currently used by about 64 countries worldwide.

The more intimate, prolonged, and attachment-oriented the traumatic relationship is, the more potentially serious CPTSD can be.

Complex PTSD is experienced as emotional flashbacks, chronic feelings of shame, persistent self-abandonment, and a relentless inner critic.

Intense social anxiety may be present and survivors may struggle with maintaining a coherent sense of self.

Long-term exposure to narcissistic abuse can make Complex PTSD a terrifying, shameful, and confusing experience, due to the constant undermining of the survivor’s sense of safety, self-worth, and reality. 

Dissociation and fragmented identity can occur. Survivors often find themselves ensnared in a cycle of unhealthy relationships, unable to trust their gut regarding others or establish flexible but strong personal boundaries.

Toxic shame is the glue that holds CPTSD together; treatment modalities that effectively dissolve and unburden you from shame hold the most promise.

Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome Recovery

A symptom-reduction approach is not sufficient to fully recover from narcissistic abuse. Survivors need to redefine who they are and realize their subjectivity, agency, and lives. Rebuilding a sense of self and regaining autonomy are crucial steps in this journey. 

What is needed is a non-pathologizing, relational approach that allows for deep self-exploration, allowing survivors to reconnect with their authentic selves that were overshadowed by the narcissist’s distractions.

Remember that being objectified, dominated, and invalidated was the traumatic context that caused all this. Therefore, approaches that come from a medical model of pathology, or position the therapist/coach as an objective authority, have the potential for re-traumatization.

Intersubjective/relational therapeutic interventions that aim to honor and restore subjectivity, and modalities that work to support the sense of self, offer the most promise. It’s important to avoid a doer / done to dynamic. Trauma-informed, collaborative approaches work well.

What is ultimately needed is to redefine the narrative, shifting from a story of deficiency to a realization of wholeness. We need to let go of our shame-based identifications.

This involves dissolving internal scripts that perpetuate feelings of helplessness and shame, replacing them with realizations of the natural power of our agency.

In doing so, survivors realize they are not helpless victims, but agents capable of creating meaningful and productive lives.

De-Mystify the “Power” of the Narcissist

The first step in recovery is to figure out what has happened to you.

I recommend you read my Ultimate Glossary for Understanding Narcissistic Abuse, watch as many YouTube videos as you need to get a basic understanding of what precisely has happened to you, etc. But not too many (more later on that).

Forgive Yourself

You also need to forgive yourself. You were in the vicinity of the wrong person at the wrong time. A person who needed you to be less than and needed you to be confused.

You didn’t know what you didn’t know – narcissists are convoluted and confusing; let yourself off the hook.

The NeuroAffective Relational Model (NARM)

Next, move on. Don’t linger too long on focusing on how awful narcissists are, etc., etc. … yes, it’s true, but you have a life to live and they’ve already taken the oxygen out of too many of your rooms. Move on, focus on yourself, and have a great life. It’s completely doable.

The NeuroAffective Relational Model is one modality that I believe is appropriate for resolving Post-Narcissistic Stress Disorder, if it is provided by someone knowledgeable in narcissistic abuse.

NARM grounds us in present-moment experience and our inherent impulse toward connection and health. We compassionately become aware of the now-habitual strategies we are perpetuating that disconnect us from our authentic selves. 

These strategies were once adaptive and probably life-saving, but are now impeding our agency.

By fostering a deep awareness of how we’re actively relating to ourselves in the here and now, we disidentify from outdated strategies and organically adopt new, healthier ways of engaging with ourselves and the world.

Self-compassion and patience are unfamiliar and foreign at first. However, they are warranted and essential to your healing. Please remember that your symptoms and “problems” were once ingenious solutions that kept you safe in the context of an unsafe environment. 

As you move beyond trauma, you’ll gradually experience relieving, calming internal release, which eventuates in a renewed sense of vitality and purpose, grounded in true autonomy and agency.

This lays the foundation for deeper, safer, more authentic, and satisfying connections with others, greatly improving your overall quality of life.

Embracing Courage and Transforming Your Journey

Recognizing and acknowledging the essence of Post-Narcissistic Stress Disorder is a courageous first step toward healing. Facing our truths leads to seeing the illusions behind our fears.

A traumatizing narcissist’s distortions, no matter how confidently asserted, are illusions indeed. By carefully examining these paper tigers, with the right support, we can shine darkness away with light.

Embrace the courage to seek support, whether through therapy, coaching, community, or relationships that honor you. Claim your life, discover your inner strength, and turn challenges into lessons for your authentic Self.

There’s nothing wrong with you. There never was.

As you dismantle the illusions of past trauma, you’ll build a future filled with peace and joy. With intention, support, and a little time, you have the power to heal from and rise above narcissistic abuse.

Jim McGee

Trauma Informed Coach

NARM-Informed Professional

I bring a blend of personal experience and professional expertise to my work. Having navigated & continuing to navigate my own journey of recovery from CPTSD, I now serve as a puzzle master & voice of experience for fellow travelers on their own path to healing.

Learn More About Me