Coaching FAQs

A Safe Relationship of Equals

Attuned to You

For Your Healing & Growth

Article Contents:

What is C-PTSD?

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a psychological disorder that can occur in response to prolonged, repeated experience of interpersonal trauma in a context where the individual has little or no chance of escape.

It’s distinguished from PTSD in that it often refers to a sequence or series of traumatic events, usually within a confined situation, as opposed to a single event.

Whereas people with PTSD mostly experience:

Hyperarousal / Hypervigilance
Re-experiencing / Intrusive Symptoms / Flashbacks
Eventual Constriction / Shutdown / Avoidance of life

People with CPTSD also suffer from:

Identity disturbances / Negative self-concept / Shame
Affect dysregulation
Connection / Interpersonal disturbances

From a NeuroAffective Relational Model™ (NARM™) perspective, C-PTSD is viewed as a disorder that affects self-regulation, identity disturbances, and connections with others.

NARM uses a model of identity that emphasizes the dynamic interplay between the biological and psychological development of the individual and their social environment. The ultimate goal of NARM is to help individuals re-establish their capacity for self-regulation and relational engagement.

CPTSD is not recognized by the DSM and is not eligible for reimbursement by therapists in the United States.

However, the ICD-11 now recognizes Complex PTSD as encompassing the fundamental symptoms of PTSD, together with three further clusters of symptoms, often termed ‘disturbances in self-organization’ or ‘DSO’:

Issues with emotional regulation that may manifest as pronounced irritability, anger, or a sense of emotional numbness
Self-perceptions of being reduced, defeated, or valueless, paired with feelings of shame, guilt, or failure tied to the traumatic episode
Struggles in maintaining relationships and experiencing closeness with others

What is Developmental Trauma (DTD)?

Often conflated with C-PTSD, it is actually a specific form of C-PTSD, with prolonged interpersonal trauma occurring at an early point in development.

DTD stems from a variety of early environmental failures in childhood that cause long-term negative impacts on psychological & physical functioning. These experiences can include chronic neglect, ongoing emotional abuse, prolonged separation from primary caregivers, or exposure to violence.

From a NeuroAffective Relational Model (NARM) perspective, developmental trauma is seen as affecting the development of identity and the ability to form healthy relationships. NARM is a therapeutic approach that recognizes the interconnectedness of psychological issues, emotional health, and physical well-being.

NARM views developmental trauma as disruptions or distortions in the normal process of identity formation. It focuses on five core survival styles that were adaptive, even life-saving, as children, but hold us back now:

Connection: Difficulties feeling connected to oneself and others
Attunement: Struggles with understanding one’s own needs and emotions or those of others
Trust: A pervasive sense of mistrust in oneself or others
Autonomy: Challenges with self-regulation and asserting one’s needs
Love-Sexuality: Conflicts between the need for intimacy and the fear of it

As your trauma recovery coach, I’m here to guide you in gently becoming aware of the survival adaptations you’ve developed due to past traumas. By bringing these into conscious awareness, you can gain a sense of agency over your life.

This understanding leads to self-organization, where you can effectively manage your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Ultimately, recognizing and addressing these survival mechanisms empower you to heal, grow, and foster healthier relationships.

How can you help with C-PTSD and DTD?

My goal is to be an “exquisitely safe enough” coach, which can be a transformative experience, especially if you have a history of traumatic upbringing.

Over time my consistency, reassurance, and safe demeanor will help rewrite your expectations of relationships and internalize a “safe other” good object. I offer a space of understanding and acceptance that can starkly contrast with your past experiences.

Gradually our nurturing interaction can shift your perspective, helping you generalize this newfound safety to your entire world. You will begin to see possibilities of trust and positive interactions, not only within our coaching relationship but in all areas of your life. This transformation can be profound, enabling you to approach life with renewed confidence and optimism.

Also, we will explore the interconnectedness of your psychological issues, nervous system dysregulation, and the impacts of trauma. We will identify and address the survival styles that have become your default coping mechanisms.

Awareness of how we are interpreting and causing our experience when combined with self-compassion and self-acceptance naturally leads to freedom of choice. Old patterns can be replaced with agency, self-efficacy, resourcefulness & aliveness.

As you grow more conscious of your patterns, you will acquire greater control over your reactions, leading to an improved ability to self-organize. This process doesn’t only empower you, but it also cultivates resilience and adaptability. It equips you with the skills to steer your life more efficiently and confront challenging situations with heightened independence and ingenuity.

This empowering journey ultimately sets you free, enabling you not to be dependent on therapists or coaches ever again, as you master the art of self-reliance and emotional intelligence.

What is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse refers to the emotional and psychological harm inflicted by individuals with narcissistic tendencies.

The abusive strategies they often employ include gaslighting, a manipulative tactic that skews your sense of reality, leading you to question your own recollections and perceptions. Other methods include projective identification, belittling, ceaseless criticism, emotional manipulation, and withholding affection.

These tactics often leave you feeling undermined, worthless, and emotionally depleted, causing significant psychological distress and damaging your self-esteem and sense of self-worth.

Enduring narcissistic abuse over a prolonged period can lead to Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). The relentless manipulation, degradation, and invalidation that typify narcissistic abuse foster an environment of fear, neglect, and instability.

This forces you to reside in a state of continual anxiety and stress. Over time, this chronic stress triggers emotional flashbacks, toxic shame, feelings of hopelessness and despair, and difficulties in your relationships.

What is Family Scapegoating Abuse?

Family scapegoating abuse is a deeply insidious form of psychoemotional mistreatment that often goes unrecognized. If you’ve experienced this, you have felt minimized, dismissed, or invalidated, even when seeking understanding, clarity, or help.

This leads to confusion and isolation, but it’s important to understand that it’s not your fault. The abusive bullying you have endured is a reflection of the dysfunction in your family, not a statement about your worth or character. You were simply innocent and there.

Since this abuse is generally invisible to the outside world and denied in the family system, it causes intense self-doubt and an inability to self-regulate.

Parents who engage in scapegoating have their own unresolved issues, such as untreated trauma or personality disorders. They painted you in an unfairly negative light, but this lopsided portrayal says nothing about you. They’ve never seen you.

If you’ve grown up within a narcissistic family system, the maltreatment can be even more intense, as the narcissistic parent might have used you as a vessel for their repressed self-hatred. This isn’t remotely reflective of who you truly are.

Even though family scapegoating is deeply isolating, recognizing it for what it is – systemic bullying and abuse – is a crucial step towards healing and reclaiming your self-worth.

How Can You Help with Family Scapegoating Abuse?

Here’s how I can help:

Understanding the Abuse: As your coach, I’ll help you understand the nature and dynamics of family scapegoating abuse. We’ll delve into how it operates within families and why it’s not a reflection of your worth but indicative of your family’s dysfunction.
Compassionate & Non-Judgmental Validation: You will feel validated and witnessed in our sessions. You can share your experiences, feelings, and thoughts without fear of criticism or dismissal, which heals. Believe me, I get this and will believe you.
Dissolving Self-Doubt: A lifetime of gaslighting and distortion makes it impossible for survivors to trust their own perceptions, rendering them confused and unable to act. We’ll get you to the point where you know what you know, and act confidently upon it.
Setting Boundaries: Together, we’ll work on setting healthy boundaries with your family members. This means getting comfortable saying no, understanding your rights, and creating distance from abusive people.
Shedding Shame-Based Identity Distortions: There is, perhaps, no more shame-inducing experience than being your family’s scapegoat. We will recognize and releasing shame-based narratives about yourself. We’ll aim to integrate disowned aspects of your identity and foster a healthier self-image.
Emotional Support: In our sessions, I’ll provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to express your feelings and experiences. This can be hugely beneficial if you’ve been unheard for too long.
Skills Development: I’ll teach you strategies to manage the emotional distress caused by the abuse. This includes various somatic & psychological techniques.
Realizing Your Potential: As your coach, I’ll support you in setting personal goals aligned with your values and aspirations. We’ll focus on moving you forward in life, away from the shadow of your abusive family, and towards fulfilling your dreams.
Building Healthier Relationships: I’ll provide tools for you to build healthier relationships based on respect and mutual understanding. This can help you establish a supportive network outside of your family of origin, contributing greatly to your success.

Healing from family scapegoating abuse takes time and patience, but with the right support, you can reclaim your self-worth and live a fulfilling life.

It is worth the effort and I personally hope you start now.

Can You Help Me With Narcissistic Abuse?

As a Trauma Recovery Coach specializing in narcissistic abuse, I believe so. Nothing makes me happier than helping fellow survivors extricate themselves from narcissistic abuse and take their lives back.

I have found that a trauma-focused approach is the most effective way to recover your life from the aftereffects of narcissistic abuse.

How Can You Help Me?

First and foremost, narcissistic abuse is relational trauma. This can only be healed in the context of a safe, attuned relationship. You need a deep, emotional, visceral experience of being treated fundamentally differently than you were treated when you were traumatized.

The above requirement is an inconvenient and sometimes terrifying fact for trauma survivors. Trauma disconnects us from others – for a very good reason. We have learned that others are not safe and the price of getting burned is very high. Connection is our deepest longing and greatest fear.

So it all starts with our safe relationship. It’s about you and what you need to feel safe. I pay you the kind of close attention you may never have experienced if you grew up in a dysfunctional family. Or that you haven’t had with another human for far too long.

We go over what you’ve been through and how it’s affected you. I listen carefully and understand and resonate with exactly what you’re going through. You get to be properly understood. Eventually, you deeply grasp that there’s nothing wrong with you – you have nothing to be ashamed of, you don’t have to be afraid, and it’s safe to go for what you want.

I contribute my knowledge and experience regarding narcissistic abuse, family scapegoating, and trauma. You are the expert on yourself. I never pretend I know you better than you know yourself. I am a fellow traveler with you.

Presumably, you’ve got some things you wish were better in your life. Together we clarify what you want – feeling better, reducing triggered states, improved boundaries & assertiveness, improved or new relationships, reconnecting to the world, health & self-care, career changes, starting a business, or anything else you want – it’s your life.

I get 100% on board with what you want. We discover what’s been holding you back. We don’t dwell too much on or re-live the past except to determine how it’s currently affecting you. We learn how patterns that were once life-saving may be repeating themselves today. Oftentimes those patterns need to be updated to reflect your current reality.

How do we do that? Some form of distance from narcissistic abusers is necessary to start and can always be achieved – even if just psychological distance. You determine how much distance, what that looks like, and when.

We dissolve trauma bonds, unburden you from the toxic shame that was never yours to carry, make you aware of identity distortions (your “trauma identity”), and get your body, emotions, and fight/flight/freeze/fawn/submit survival states regulated (while dysregulated they reinforce identity distortions).

We discover your authentic self – it’s already there, and it’s better and more capable than you imagine. We give you tools to soothe, care for, and support yourself. Over time, we help you find ways to find and connect to safe others.

You learn that you have the power to change things, that it’s OK to try things and make mistakes, that it’s OK to ask people for help, and that people will actually help you now. None of these things were true in the context of relational trauma, but they probably are true now.

Armed with your upgraded identity, loosed from toxic shame, nervous system regulated, and empowered with tools, you create the great life you’ve always hoped for. Things can get much, much better.

Book a free 30-minute discovery call if this sounds like something you might be interested in.

Do You Have Personal Experience with Narcissistic Abuse?

Let’s just say that my family of origin was not the healthiest and I was the identified patient.

Let’s also say that I know from personal experience that developmental trauma and complex post-traumatic stress disorder can really mess a person up until they’ve sorted things out and properly digested the things that happened to them.

I have experience with intimate relationships with different Cluster B types and the special hell of narcissistic bosses and co-workers. I know how not to handle that situation, and how to handle it properly.

I most likely deeply understand and have endless compassion for what you’ve been through.

Our coaching relationship is all about you. But I’ll share as much of my story with you as I think will be directly relevant and helpful to you, your healing, and your growth.

Do You Have Experience Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse?

I’ve come a very long way.

My childhood was unhappy, my twenties were full of suffering, and my thirties got a lot better.

However, I still found myself on the receiving end from a lot of narcissists
I was also stuck in important ways
This is the way it seems to go if you don’t deeply heal
Repetition compulsion, trauma re-enactment, the universe telling you something; call it what you want

In my forties, I began learning about narcissistic abuse, family scapegoating, and complex post-traumatic stress disorder – my past and present started making a lot of sense, and I made the necessary adjustments in my relationships and began to do deep healing work.

I even got to the point where I calmly stood up to my narcissistic boss regularly without getting triggered – calmly telling him no, contradicting his gaslighting in HR meetings that I initiated. I would flatly state “That’s not my recollection” and watch as he fumed. They believed me and he became my co-worker, not my boss. Years ago, that situation would’ve had me bouncing off the walls.

I was able to start exercising my strengths and founded a medical software start-up. Things can get better.

For the last 13 years, I’ve been steadily engaged in my recovery. Therapy with experts in narcissistic abuse, family scapegoating, and CPTSD. Reading, workbooks, journaling, meditation, self-care, and participation & leadership in groups geared towards recovery from narcissistic abuse. I could easily write a book about narcissistic abuse and recovery.

I’ve been trained as a Trauma Recovery Coach and supporting survivors for 3 years. Nothing brings me greater pleasure. Recovery is completely possible.

Do Therapists Understand Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse and family scapegoating is serious relational/developmental trauma. It requires a very safe relationship and some work to overcome.

Your life will improve much quicker if you work with a professional who understands the intricacies of narcissistic abuse and complex post-traumatic stress disorder.

Thankfully, some therapists do understand narcissistic abuse. If you have suffered narcissistic abuse, it is critical that your therapist or coach deeply understands it & knows what to do. They should also be skilled in working with complex post-traumatic stress disorder.

How Can I Know if a Therapist Understands Narcissistic Abuse?

If a therapist truly gets narcissistic abuse, they are probably gearing their branding and marketing around it – if they engage in marketing.

Also, therapists who specialize in trauma, especially developmental, relational, attachment, or complex trauma, are more likely to be able to help you.

If all their business is by word of mouth/referrals, and you’re not sure if they can help you, then the following questions might help you determine if they get it.

Ask these questions one at a time. Then be silent and wait until they’ve given you their complete answer before you move on to the next question.

Have you worked with survivors of narcissistic abuse before?
Can you describe your understanding of the interpersonal dynamics of narcissistic abuse?
What strategies do you suggest to survivors to navigate these dynamics?
What are some of the intrapsychic issues that you have found survivors to struggle with typically?
How do you help them overcome these struggles?
What is your understanding of complex post-traumatic stress disorder, and how do you think is it most effectively treated?

Let them volunteer the information. Do not supply the answers for them if they ask clarifying questions like “What do you mean by ____?”

You want to know their answer
If they think it’s a vague or off-beat question, that tells you something
If they change the subject, even a little, that tells you something
If they tell you complex post-traumatic stress disorder is not in the DSM (that’s true it’s not … yet), that tells you something

If they have answers to your questions that make you feel super hopeful, relieved, calm, and clear – like “Yes, somebody finally understands and can help me!” that’s a beautiful sign.

If you find yourself sighing in discouraged resignation, like you’re going to have to “settle”, like you’ll need to work to convince a “professional” of your reality so that you can hopefully feel vindicated someday … you might want to look elsewhere.

I believe it’s worth the time and effort to keep looking. You should not have to work to be understood, validated, and championed.

Why Don’t Some Therapists Understand Narcissistic Abuse?

Many therapists simply lack awareness. They’re not trying to be unsupportive, ineffective, or invalidating. They went to school and did not learn much if anything about narcissistic abuse. It’s not a part of most Masters or Ph.D. programs. Since their schooling, they’ve been taking Continuing Education courses about various treatment modalities, but not about narcissistic abuse.

They think they understand NPD, and they may in its classic presentation. But usually not in great depth.

Often, they are unaware of the prevalence of narcissistic abuse, and they don’t understand the subtleties of how it operates. These therapists can be quite skeptical of your qualifications, your accuracy in “diagnosing” somebody, and everything that comes from that.

What is the Problem with my Therapist Not Understanding Narcissistic Abuse?

You may feel misunderstood, not attuned to, and invalidated.
You may engage in a futile struggle to get the validation you so desperately need (sound familiar?)
You may spend way too much time looking at “your part” – ordinarily a good idea, with character disorders a waste of time
They may see no real reason that you can’t just “work out your differences” with a narcissist – through improved communication, for example. Especially if they are family.
Because of the above, you may waste years or decades of your life attempting the impossible
You won’t get the crystal clarity that is essential after years of gaslighting
You may be retraumatized by your therapist invalidating you or treating you in a similar fashion as the narcissist. Not that they are necessarily narcissistic, but they may not be careful as you need them to be.

What if my Therapist Doesn’t Understand Narcissistic Abuse?

If you are 3-4 or more sessions in, and your gut is telling you:

“This person just doesn’t seem to understand me, my situation, what I’m struggling with. They don’t seem to have any idea how to help me”

… Then I would listen to your intuition.

If you have a sinking feeling that the two of you are just not clicking … that’s not good. Things have never ultimately worked out for me under those circumstances. I’d say start looking at other therapists or coaches.

You don’t have to discontinue right away. Through the mere act of looking around, you are telling yourself that you have options (you do! – trauma survivors learn that they don’t have options). Simply knowing you have options will make you feel better.

This is not to say that a therapist who doesn’t understand narcissistic abuse can’t help you a lot. A healthy, attuned relationship can be very healing in and of itself. Relational trauma is healed through healthy relationships.

However, you may get better more quickly and act more wisely with respect to the narcissists in your life with somebody who deeply understands narcissistic abuse.

The crucial importance of strongly enforced distance from narcissists tends to be overlooked by mental health professionals who don’t get it. This lack of appropriate distance is in fact very damaging and can delay your healing indefinitely.

What Should I Do if my Therapist Re-Traumatizes Me?

Unfortunately, if a therapist doesn’t understand what you’ve been through (and even if they do) there is a possibility that they may say or do something that feels like the abuse you’ve suffered. This can happen with coaches as well – it’s a human thing.

This can be re-traumatizing and really hurtful. Especially after you’ve made yourself vulnerable. It’s called a relationship rupture; they happen. Healthy people do their best to repair relationship ruptures.

Try to remain as calm as you can, perhaps wait until you’re not triggered to address it with them. Think calmly about what part, if any you may have played in the interaction. Eventually, I recommend you bring it up – say what happened, and how it made you feel. Saying you are angry or were angry is OK if delivered respectfully.

If they fully acknowledge what happened, if they care, say they’re sorry, ask what they can do to make it better, ask you what you need to be OK – that’s wonderful. If they applaud you for your anger, even better. These experiences can deeply disconfirm what you learned in your abusive relationships – that you have no rights and you’re not worth repairing a rupture with.

These experiences can be beautifully healing and deepen your bond with your therapist or coach. This is how life is supposed to be. We’re all human, we all make mistakes, and that’s OK.

On the other hand, if they deny, distort, minimize, obfuscate, invalidate, shame, blame, or turn it around on you – I’m very very sorry. Nobody deserves that. Helping professionals are humans and sometimes humans don’t like to admit mistakes. Talk to somebody who cares about you about what happened. Call a warmline or hotline if you need somebody.

Own your part of it, if any – but trust your gut too. Just because they have a degree and you’re the patient with a diagnosis doesn’t mean they are right all the time or justified in their behavior all of the time. You deserve respect and consideration and if they don’t understand you or your situation, that’s their lack of understanding.

Don’t do anything rash, chew on it, sleep on it. Maybe pull back and don’t make yourself so vulnerable with them for the time being.
Ask them some more neutral abstract questions for a while. That way you’re safe. You’ve got time.
Maybe things will improve and be resolved.
But don’t sweep it under the rug indefinitely if there’s no satisfactory resolution. Your intuition isn’t wrong.
Sometimes better options emerge from these things.
You have the power of choice and you have options; begin to explore your alternatives – just doing that will make you feel better

Do You Do Coaching Other Than for Trauma?

While I am not certified as a life, business, or career coach, I love to help solopreneurs, freelancers, small business owners, and people looking to improve their careers or situations.

As a career-changer and founder of my own start-up, I love helping others navigate the issues they’ll encounter along the way.

This might include:

Strengths discovery
Gaining clarity around:
- Values
- Purpose
- What’s meaningful to you
Discovering what’s possible
Developing a personal mission & vision
Growth / Abundance Mindset
Self-limiting beliefs:
- Awareness
- Deconstruction
- Replacement
Strategy formulation
Education Research
Goal setting, action steps, maintaining motivation, execution
Assertiveness training
Internet presence
Online Marketing

I help people who have a dream. Though you may not have past trauma, many people are unnecessarily holding themselves back with self-limiting beliefs, self-defeating actions & other behaviors that undermine their success.

There are plenty of people who achieve their dreams – why shouldn’t you be one of them?

Let’s get you unstuck, take things to a higher level, and create the life that you love to live. I’ll champion you every step of the way.